Which Historical Lunatic Am I? April 29, 2006Posted by scan man in humour, internet.
I think I'm getting addicted to these Tests….
Well. Here goes..
It seems I am Joshua Abraham Norton, first and only Emperor of the United States of America!
Born in England sometime in the second decade of the nineteenth century, I carved a notable business career, in South Africa and later San Francisco, until an entry into the rice market wiped out my fortune in 1854. After this, I became quite different. The first sign of this came on September 17, 1859, when I expressed my dissatisfaction with the political situation in America by declaring myself Norton I, Emperor of the USA. I remained as such, unchallenged, for twenty-one years.
Within a month I had decreed the dissolution of Congress. When this was largely ignored, I summoned all interested parties to discuss the matter in a music hall, and then summoned the army to quell the rebellious leaders in Washington. This did not work. Magnanimously, I decreed (eventually) that Congress could remain for the time being. However, I disbanded both major political parties in 1869, as well as instituting a fine of $25 for using the abominable nickname "Frisco" for my home city.
My days consisted of parading around my domain – the San Francisco streets – in a uniform of royal blue with gold epaulettes. This was set off by a beaver hat and umbrella. I dispensed philosophy and inspected the state of sidewalks and the police with equal aplomb. I was a great ally of the maligned Chinese of the city, and once dispersed a riot by standing between the Chinese and their would-be assailants and reciting the Lord's Prayer quietly, head bowed.
Once arrested, I was swiftly pardoned by the Police Chief with all apologies, after which all policemen were ordered to salute me on the street. My renown grew. Proprietors of respectable establishments fixed brass plaques to their walls proclaiming my patronage; musical and theatrical performances invariably reserved seats for me and my two dogs. (As an aside, I was a good friend of Mark Twain, who wrote an epitaph for one of my faithful hounds, Bummer.) The Census of 1870 listed my occupation as "Emperor".
The Board of Supervisors of San Francisco, upon noticing the slightly delapidated state of my attire, replaced it at their own expense. I responded graciously by granting a patent of nobility to each member. My death, collapsing on the street on January 8, 1880, made front page news under the headline "Le Roi est Mort". Aside from what I had on my person, my possessions amounted to a single sovereign, a collection of walking sticks, an old sabre, my correspondence with Queen Victoria and 1,098,235 shares of stock in a worthless gold mine. My funeral cortege was of 30,000 people and over two miles long.
The burial was marked by a total eclipse of the sun.