Which Historical Lunatic Am I? April 29, 2006
Posted by scan man in humour, internet.3 comments
I think I'm getting addicted to these Tests….
Well. Here goes..
Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.
It seems I am Joshua Abraham Norton, first and only Emperor of the United States of America!
Born in England sometime in the second decade of the nineteenth century, I carved a notable business career, in South Africa and later San Francisco, until an entry into the rice market wiped out my fortune in 1854. After this, I became quite different. The first sign of this came on September 17, 1859, when I expressed my dissatisfaction with the political situation in America by declaring myself Norton I, Emperor of the USA. I remained as such, unchallenged, for twenty-one years.
Within a month I had decreed the dissolution of Congress. When this was largely ignored, I summoned all interested parties to discuss the matter in a music hall, and then summoned the army to quell the rebellious leaders in Washington. This did not work. Magnanimously, I decreed (eventually) that Congress could remain for the time being. However, I disbanded both major political parties in 1869, as well as instituting a fine of $25 for using the abominable nickname "Frisco" for my home city.
My days consisted of parading around my domain – the San Francisco streets – in a uniform of royal blue with gold epaulettes. This was set off by a beaver hat and umbrella. I dispensed philosophy and inspected the state of sidewalks and the police with equal aplomb. I was a great ally of the maligned Chinese of the city, and once dispersed a riot by standing between the Chinese and their would-be assailants and reciting the Lord's Prayer quietly, head bowed.
Once arrested, I was swiftly pardoned by the Police Chief with all apologies, after which all policemen were ordered to salute me on the street. My renown grew. Proprietors of respectable establishments fixed brass plaques to their walls proclaiming my patronage; musical and theatrical performances invariably reserved seats for me and my two dogs. (As an aside, I was a good friend of Mark Twain, who wrote an epitaph for one of my faithful hounds, Bummer.) The Census of 1870 listed my occupation as "Emperor".
The Board of Supervisors of San Francisco, upon noticing the slightly delapidated state of my attire, replaced it at their own expense. I responded graciously by granting a patent of nobility to each member. My death, collapsing on the street on January 8, 1880, made front page news under the headline "Le Roi est Mort". Aside from what I had on my person, my possessions amounted to a single sovereign, a collection of walking sticks, an old sabre, my correspondence with Queen Victoria and 1,098,235 shares of stock in a worthless gold mine. My funeral cortege was of 30,000 people and over two miles long.
The burial was marked by a total eclipse of the sun.
Why the US is in trouble…. April 15, 2006
Posted by scan man in humour, Politics.5 comments
Its been a very busy week.
Wishing you all a happy and prosperous new year. (Tamil New Year starts on April 14)..
A doctor friend from the US sent this to me. I thought it deserved a wider audience..
………
These are precious. And any of us who have the new Medicare prescription drug plan realize it took real geniuses to release a plan affecting so many with so little thought behind it.
Why the US is in trouble!!
A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
- I had a New York Senator ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
- I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts," Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa,". Her response – click.
- A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
- I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No". She said, "But they look so close on the map."
- An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."
- An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
- A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold, for a minute, while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back, and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
- A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
- I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
- A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, Smarty!"
- A senior Senator from Mass called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
- A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".
Now you know why the US Government is in the shape that it's in!
I’m not going to make this mistake again. April 4, 2006
Posted by scan man in humour, Misc.7 comments
I am 31% Idiot.
I ain't too bright. But all those other idiots annoy the hell out of me. I may not be the brightest bulb in the bunch, but at least I know my limits.
Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom
An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it. – Laurence J. Peter (The Peter Principle).
I wish I had known this before I was tempted to take this test.
Thanks Moof.
All Fools’ Day…. April 1, 2006
Posted by scan man in humour, Misc.3 comments
'April 1st: This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three-hundred and sixty-four.' Mark Twain.
The financial year starts today in India. I have always found this to be odd.
Tomorrow is going to be a momentous day in my life… More on this later if all goes well…
I think I'm going to get some brickbats for this..But I guess people will get the relevance to blogging 🙂
"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." – Plato (427 BC – 347 BC)
I have no illusions as to which category I belong in. In fact some of my friends think today is my birthday!
thoughts for a rainy day… March 21, 2006
Posted by scan man in humour, Misc.3 comments
I resolved to post something today….
After hours of non-existent effort.. I came up with this. Its not original. I got this on email – I don’t know when & from who. But I had thought at that time that it was worth saving for a rainy really boring day…
Well today is the day.. Read on if you don’t have anything better to do 🙂
- Never argue with an idiot. He drags you down to his level then beats you with experience!
- Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
- If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away two weeks before you need it.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
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